what i was thinking most of all was that i had let sb. down and let my mom down and that was what i was like.
if sth. else should turn up,sth. i had to cope with,like illness or death,if i had to say to myself,now,you will behave like a human being and not a little girl---then i couldn"t do it.
it is not a question of will,but of who you are.
well.when i am, i think a lot .
this way of thinking... it is not so much thinking as holding things in your mind and letting them sort themselves out.
if you really do that,slowly,surprising results emerge.
for instance,that your ideas are different from what you had believed they were.
it was all so dirty and dingy and grim and awful.
i thought of how all of us wrote about colours and lovers---how taste changed,how we all threw things out and got bored with everything.
when i went in after study,it was as if i had expected to find some sort of weight or anchor and it wasn"t there.
i realized how flimsy i was,how dependent.
that was painful,seeing my self as dependent.
not xxxxxxxxlly,of course,
but as a person.
that is why i decided to learn sth. else.   
before it is too late.  
and it is.